Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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