he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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