hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This baby is an asshole
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
