I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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