return my video game
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
