I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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