I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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