ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
