I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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