if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
