Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
