she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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