ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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