so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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