what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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