It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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