Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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