apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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