I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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