Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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