i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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