that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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