Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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