Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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