someone threw a dead crab at me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
