I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
