I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
