i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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