I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
