Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
