theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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