i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
