Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
