You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
