I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
