I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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