If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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