Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Come back. Shots need mouths.
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