i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
