Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
