I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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