i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Blood and glitter go together right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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