I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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