You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone came in the potted fern
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
