i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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