the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize