I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
