Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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