I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
