my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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