Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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