i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize