WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
