i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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