Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He shit in the fireplace
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
