im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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