How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
