i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
