She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
