i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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