i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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