I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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