Four minutes until I can fart!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
