I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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