Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
