i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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