So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
