On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
