i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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